tw: sexual assault
I guess here I just want to be able to... gather some links together on my experiences. Mostly because, as most women do, I've always expected to have an experience along these lines at some point in my life. I just had no idea that it would be like this. And it seems that many of the people around me don't understand either.
So I'll just dedicate a space to it here. I'll gather some links and recourses.
One of the most unfortunate suprises was that nobody told me that one of the most common responses in situations like these is to just. Freeze. I'm not a stranger to this since I did go mute for a few years when I was younger since I'd get anxious.
I guess when you think in your head if someone grabbed you off the street you would fight back as much as you can. Or at least scream. Or say "Stop". I didn't realise that I would be trapped in my own body as the world moved around me.
And it's that lack of control which would follow me following the events. I had no control over what nights I would place my head on the pillow and burst into tears. Or the wandering thoughts that would flicker in my mind whenether I was understimulated. The flashbacks I'd have whether triggered directly by someone or just my mind wandering. Or the dreams.
I didn't have any control over the reporting process only. Every step was listed as taking from a wide span of time, like 4-8 weeks. At least this was through the university: the police would've said 1 month- 3 years or some crap.
I also don't get control over how my story is told. I'm happy with people knowing, but I feel afraid that when people do not know the full story- they may begin to speculate. I have no control over how I am presented.
I've really hated some people's response to my situation. My own mother doesn't really even side with me: my half brother apparently was falsely accused by his ex girlfriend which explains why she had absolutely no sympathy and the moment I mention that things could be changed by making people realise their privalidge and that they're in the position to make a change: she'll defend men like "oh but maybe its unsafe for men to get involved". She just constantly has to disagree with me and in this case it has really made me disgusted in her as a person.
When I tell people I always explicitly say that I do not want their advice. It really pisses me off. Every time it is always the same "maybe try to get sleeping pills/antidepressants/therapy". It annoys me because it is them assuming that they know what will help. I have tried contacting the GP and she said NO quinn you do NOT get sleeping pills. I've been on antidepressants before and eventually, whilst I could not emotionally feel suicidal, I would logically feel that way. I figured that I was unhappy, my situation is bad, and that I am wasting recourses that could be used by people who have had a better start. Then therapy, I have started but I get an appointment every month. Also I had to wait many months until I was able to get the right kind of therapy, that the GP recommended. Not only do I find it rude that people would assume that I haven't taken these basic steps, but they usually give this advice to end a conversation. As if my problems will be solved instantly by any of those things. They give me this advice then if I mention it again they say "well did you not contact the GP/do therapy/ect." it pisses me the hell off. If they try to relate to me with no experience that's worse. Like I'm sorry but your COVID/nobody wants to fuck me depression isn't really relavent there. Don't try to relate to me, because you do not have any idea what I'm going through unless you have also been assaulted. Heck even in that case, maybe you wouldn't.
I literally explain this to people's faces and they still. continue. to. give. me. advice. Like okay they mean well but they are literally making me feel worse. It's just a reminder of all the things that haven't worked. Of all the effort I've put in only to continue going downhill. Of all the effort that people are not recognising. It feels shit.